Everything takes longer than I originally imagined it would.
During my winter break I wrote a book. It’s actually a manual for my Trauma Fundamentals course which I thought was going to take me one year to write. When I planned it, I thought it was a really good idea to record the sessions as I'm speaking throughout six modules of professional training about trauma.
It took a total of two and a half years to finalize the first draft which is not ready for publishing but it was enough to send this first draft to the participants of the first course. I’m still ashamed of how much of a delay I incurred and how severely I underestimated the time I can deliver this.
After I wrote that book, I sat down and I designed an entire year worth of new services, courses, group coaching programs, trauma therapy training, business development masterminds and retreats for my clients.
My goals for this year also include rewriting that manual, writing an entirely different book as well, speak at entrepreneurs events, do a Ted Talk before the year is over, and further grow as a business woman, while obviously, serving my clients to the best of my abilities. Oh, I also decided I have reached that stage in my career where I want to develop my own workframe.
Besides work, I plan on living, keeping up with all my loved ones, cooking healthy, moving, sleeping well and keeping my home tidy, like a “regular” human. And none of my plans are happening as fast as I envisioned they would. Nor as perfect as I wished and planned for.
Am I aiming too high? Am I not good enough to actually accomplish everything I've set myself up for accomplishing? Did I not overthink enough, plan enough, strategize enough, prioritize enough? Of course I did, I've been doing DYBY for over a decade, I have my systems in place. I'm also well aware that there are plenty of ambitious people in this world who are doing just fine and even a lot more than I ever will get done. And I'm slowly coming to seriously trust that I am good enough to actually make it happen - shout out to my therapist, whoop whoop, it’s working!
So then why am I, like many of the people I know, constantly falling behind with what we’ve set up to do? Now, I could give you an entire list of reasons to motivate this. But, I’ll cut to the chase, and lay down the truth bombs: we are constantly falling behind because living with trauma is a daily act of high-performance.
Because it requires your nervous system to engage in the kind of extreme effort that people who win the Olympics make. So when you live with making an extreme effort on the daily, to mostly survive - you must also take care of yourself in the same manner.
Your trauma recovery is a perpetual series of deliberate actions dedicated to your well-being. And no, you can’t skip that part. Your autonomy has to constantly flex in the general direction of your health. Every single day.
Recovery means that you keep coming back to actions that support you in developing habits that contribute to your goals. From clocking enough hours of sleep so that your metabolism can successfully direct all the nutrients in your body to the vital organs that need to function, to making sure a day before that that you've prepared and consumed the adequate amounts of nutrients and that you've drank enough water for all your metabolical processes to seamlessly take place.
And this is just the bare minimum for you to survive. Then you have to go about your day and make sure all the habits that support your lifestyle are created and all the systems needed to keep them there exist. The movement, the cleanup, the meaningful work and the fulfilling relationships need your attention too. On top of that you also need to dedicate time to nurture your soul, engage in spiritual practice, connect with yourself, do your therapy, the journaling, engaging with your community, and of course, laundry.
Every single day we are doing a variety of things and if you had a nervous system that never experienced dysregulation because of psychological trauma, then you're the lucky winner of a golden lottery ticket, because basic tasks are easy for you. But for me and for all of us trauma survivors, that is the Olympics.
We just wake up daily to a totally different reality. One in which sleep doesn't go smoothly because of anxiety, or apnea or an achy body. Where mornings are not happy, joyful or energized, they're sad, lonely, and difficult to push through.
The leaky shower, the sometimes needing to wear a t-shirt twice in a row because you forgot the damn laundry, the cravings for leftover pizza for breakfast because making eggs with avocado on sourdough is not possible right now. The many, many barriers you constantly have to overcome that leave you feeling perpetually exhausted and feeling like life is just dead set to go against you.
And for some, this is just the first hour of your waking reality. Carrying on without giving in to look at yourself in the mirror because you know you won't be able to refrain from criticism of your puffy eyes, wrinkled forehead and imperfect teeth is an act of willpower asking a chunk of your energy. Sucking in your belly to fit in those jeans and swearing that you’ll go to the gym and not just pay that subscription for years on end is a hail mary that you hope will miraculously stick. Craving a bucket of sugar but choosing a tall glass of water instead is a battle you won with great effort and it goes so unappreciated because of the impossible perfectionist that scolds you for even craving sugar in the first place.
In fact, the biggest battery drainer in your daily living with trauma is not your job or other people. It’s not even the eating disorder or the body image issues. The biggest battery drainer is your constant inner struggle, the battlefield between holding yourself in place and all the parts that want to let go and fall apart.
You step out of your house happy that you mastered this healthy new habit only to be triggered in a binge episode because of a billboard advertising the latest ice cream. And you don't even like ice cream. You hate yourself for eating what you're not even enjoying and you can't help wondering if it will ever stop. You secretly check your silhouette in the windows of every shop you pass by only to dismantle yourself for not looking as you thought you would when you were influenced by oversexualized airbrushed marketing from your teenage times.
If you have a second to catch your breath while you wait for public transport to take you places, you end up reflecting on how terrified you are of not being good enough at your job, at how insane politics are gonna fuck you over because you happen to belong to the minority that is actually more than 50% of this planet - wink girl, you know we’re all in this together - and you’re also grappling with the incessant feeling that you’re so screwed by your past trauma that even a lifetime subscription to therapy won’t fix you.
And this has been a very long and painful read for you to find out that it will stop. When you do decide.
As people with autonomy, I am here to remind you that it’s you who gets to decide how much effort you give to simply surviving because you're busy fighting inner battles that drain you. Just as you could decide to dedicate this time and the bits of energy you have for actually fulfilling your needs of recovery.
Recovery is that process in which you stop doing, and learn how to just be so that you can tune in to your needs. It's what contributes to you cultivating that resilience that you long for in the long run. It's no longer pushing. But letting go of.
This part of your recovery process needs you to make time and space to retrain your nervous system to not react to daily living as if you're about to die every minute of every hour. Managing your triggers and cultivating a sense of inner reliance is part of that recovery process. Learning to live in a deliberate way of aligned action, not in constant re-action.
It also means giving yourself the time and space to rebuild your identity beyond the stories of what your mind is telling you you are as a consequence of your past trauma. To actually learn and accept that you are not broken, and that you are not damaged and that in fact you are worthy, valuable, and lovable. And this science fiction scenario requires time and deliberate practice to attain.
You need to prioritize your recovery because life will keep happening, shit will keep hitting the fan and the boat will keep on rocking. And you can't keep going losing your wits every time this happens. I mean, you can - but every time you do, it will dig you a level deeper and make it harder for you to come back on track. So the aim here is for a sustainable solution. Reframing your inner blockages in order for you to be able to stay focused on your priorities when needed is a must for your well-being.
A vital component of your recovery is building self-trust again so that you can trust yourself when you meet other people and start relationships with them, begin collaborations with them and develop further along side them. The ability to collaborate with others succesfully is something that you need to learn how to do because trauma scared you into thinking you need to over give or be constantly hypervigilant about not being screwed over.
Recovery means optimizing your energy management, integrating actual rest, and using sustainable strategies to live, rather than relying on adrenaline or avoidance-based execution and productivity.
And optimal is as intimate as your DNA. You are a unique individual who has a unique combination of needs in different proportions in order to thrive. Because you've been surviving for so long, and because you still struggle to live, you can't even imagine what would it be like to thrive.
And while I'm here to offer you exactly the kind of knowledge, skill and all the support you need, before we begin your transformation, please go take a nap. I want you to begin moving from pressured reaction, to autonomous, deliberate choice.
My plans are laid out. My team is working along side with me. We are creating everything I've set up to do, so that you can participate and walk with us towards a better life. I'm doing my absolute best to show you the way. And for now, it's to slow down and catch-up on your recovery, whatever that might look like for you.